The Trauma and Loneliness has Become your Best Friends

They tried to hide away all the sorrow and pain. A little did they know that they were going insane.

Have you ever questioned something about life? Like, “Why are we supposed to live if someday we will die?” or “Why did god give us a chance to live only to bring pain and sadness into our lives?” Because a lot of people do.

We always know every person has their own struggle in their life, and every feeling or pain that each one has is valid.

When home feels unsafe

There are a lot of people who are growing up in an abusive family; yelling, screaming, punching, or hurting each other physically, mentally, and verbally is what they witness every day. Some of their family members even were hurting themselves and being suicidal. Causing a lot of pain to the victims and passing the generational trauma and depression through them.

Not to mention how they also become their parents’ selfishness, a lot of kids witnessed how one of their parents (or maybe both of them) cheated a lot of times for years. The one who cheated doesn’t have the will to change, and the one who is being cheated on keeps holding on “for the kids,” they said, for financial purposes, or probably just attachment issues and trauma bonding they had. The kids have to witness a lot of fights and screaming every day, seeing one of their parents crying and hurting, the silent treatment they do to each other creates a cold atmosphere in the house and makes the kids confused. They are hurting one another — not knowing they are hurting the kids, too.

When the romantic relationship become their biggest catastrophe

All those things they’ve witnessed in their family affect how they perceive and handle everything in life, the toxicity becomes familiar and they are getting used to it, creating some inner child, trauma bond, and other issues that they have to deal with when they grow up. The worst of it also affects how they choose their partner and how they deal with the relationship in the future.

Teenager days are fun days because we get curious about a lot of things and we want to try new things every time. Puberty started to hit and that’s the time when we started to have a crush on someone, some of them chose to just be silent and enjoy those “butterfly in the stomach” moments, and some of them were curious about how to be in a relationship and start to date someone we liked.

Teenager love is usually fun and sweet, just two innocent people being silly, and curious about each other, wanting to have fun, and explore a lot of new things with each other’s company. That’s the critical moment when people start to create attachment styles and the type of person they are gonna attach to.

Teenager who is growing up with a lot of trauma, of course, is gonna be struggling, they are going to bond and attached to toxic people who are abusive, cheaters, and manipulators — in conclusion, they will stuck in a toxic relationship, even after they are experiencing sexual, physical, mental, and verbal abused from their partner, it doesn’t make them leave easily, it’s not they don’t want to, they just afraid of the threat they received and it would put them in more danger situation. Some of them can’t put themselves together to leave, because they think it’s “normal” to be in that kind of relationship since that’s how they are growing up, they tend to be gaslighted and blame themselves when they were also a victim of this relationship.

They are just clueless human being who wants to experience love that they weren’t able to get when they were growing up… But it’s always become a catastrophe in the end.

When losing people in your life isn’t surprising anymore

There are a lot of people they will gonna meet once they become adults, some of them being their friends and some of them becoming their lovers, yet a lot of them also leave and keep hurting them, making them question their worth.

All those promise they made to each other in the end just words that they couldn’t even do. The promise to stay with each other no matter what happened and to keep working on the friendship and relationship no matter how hard it is, is just a bullshit in the end.

All those plans they made with you to engage and marry you — even after the plans were 30% underway, the place is being booked, the families from both sides have known your plan and want to meet each other to discuss the future and continuation of your marriage… Everything turned out to be a futile plan.

They are always being left, they always do. The relationship always fails.

The lack of self-love makes it worse once they growing up, they are always seeking unhealthy external love from toxic friendships and relationships, they are always getting hurt and attached to toxic people, and they always trying to please and save everyone around them — not knowing no one is gonna save themselves.

When they become mature and reality hits

A lot of people seek therapy to know what’s wrong with them and are diagnosed with severe mental illness, and some of them choose not to and are in denial for so long.

Being in a therapy isn’t easy either, there are a lot of rollercoaster and ups and downs they are going through, a lot of things triggering their emotions and also affected your physical condition, they will experience the side effects of taking the meds and changing it to find the right ones for you, you will experience unstable mood, nauseous, dizziness, lost of weights, lost of appetite or extremely increase of weights and appetite, etc.

Of course, they are not going to be okay in a short time, it takes years of trial and error, and they probably should find another therapist or methods that suit them. Healing is not linear, sometimes they’d feel okay, but a lot of times they don’t.

When they become hopeless to live

Those people — who have been hurting since they were just a kid and keep experiencing that pain in life for years, have a tendency to harm themselves, being suicidal and want to kill themselves; had some failed suicide attempts and live with in the edge of it. Living with trauma feels like walking in endless dark tunnels — but alone. No one is gonna hear you crying, screaming, and asking for help, they just have to keep moving forward even though they are hurting, and bleeding, and there are a lot of scars that are not being able to heal while experiencing the physical and mental pain. They are struggling to stay alive every day. They sometimes wish they were never born into this cruel world.

There are a lot of times they want to give up, they are getting tired and fed up dealing with themselves, they feel sick to their stomach because of the meds they take, they are hopeless, and the only one thing they can think of is just to die and leave all this shit behind them. They are always trying to seek external reasons to make them feel alive again, but deep down they don’t wanna be here anymore, they just wanna end all the pain they have experienced for years. It’s never been easy for them — it never was.

They just want people to understand the pain they have to go through, a lot of people around them misunderstand and treat them badly by saying the words that hurt them when they say they want to give up and feel hopeless, and it makes them hate themselves even more.

They know for sure it all depends on themselves, we can’t expect other people to be their personal therapist as well, but they just want those people to not add other scars or sprinkle some salt into their bleeding scars. They just hope at least people could help to support them by saying words that they need to hear, as simple as “Thank you for not giving up and holding on for this long” or “I couldn’t be more proud of you for walking through this darkness all by yourself” and simply just hug them.

Yes, you have the right to leave them when it’s too much for you, but some of them are willing to seek professional help to heal and fix themselves to become better human beings, they also convince themselves to have the will to live every day. Not all people who are growing up with trauma and mental illness are going to hurt you. In the end, they just want your emotional support. It’s gonna be a long journey, but they just want to have at least someone who will stay to believe in what they do.

If those people were being asked, “If you could turn back the time, what are the things you want to change?”

I bet they all will answer, “I just want to be mentally healthy and grow up in a healthy household and family, I don’t wanna experience those painful things in my life, and I don’t care if people say the pain and trauma makes me stronger, I just wanna feel like normal people who got to live everyday without those mental illness and trauma.”

We are exhausted to feel this way, we are always trying to save people around us by giving them much love, attention, and helping them, but those never enough to make them STAY with us. We just want to be normal, we just want people to help us cover the pain.

Thank you for reading this article, it’s being written for you to know what’s on people with trauma and mental illness’ mind or feel, or if you are the one who experiencing it, I hope beautiful things come right at you, thank you for holding on.

Those are my own life experiences that I want to share, it’s happening to me and I’m sure a lot of people are relatable to this. I hope it makes you feel less alone in this lonely, dark, and endless tunnel. I hope there will be light someday for us. I hope it will be less painful for us.

This article was also inspired by “Stray Kids — Cover Me” a track in their mini album “樂-STAR”

Please listen to it and find the English translations if you don’t understand the song, it has a really deep meaning and I hope it applies to you, too.